A Motherless Child

Growing up with a Mother who was in and out of the house hold and also an addict I had an uphill battle in life. As an adolescent I acted out in ways that led my village to believe I had the possibility of being exactly like my mother! On one hand I hated being compared to her, but on the other hand I had the warning signs stamped on my forehead. In my teenage years hearing “you’re going to be just like her” was my fuel to be exactly like her.  I despised my mother for abandoning me and not being able to love me the way I had seen my grandmother display for her children love her.  As a teenager I seen my mom start unjustified verbal arguments with my grandmother for what I felt were her own insecurities and her projecting how she had made me feel and for that I felt I was justified in how I treated my own mother every opportunity I got to disrespect her, I did verbally and physically. All of the battles I would have with my mother as a teenager, there was always a bigger War right after with my grandmother stating to me that I need to forgive and no matter my mother’s circumstance or how disrespectful her behavior, I was never to Disrespect her in any way. My grandmothers closing argument was always simply stated “She is your mother you will respect her”.  As a teenager I  felt like she was taking sides which as an adult I can now identify as a generational curse.

 My mother shared with me not to long that my grandmother’s biggest fear on her death bed was that me and my mom is we would kill each other, I laughed and said it’s a blessing how far we’ve come! Over the years I’ve been able to break cycles using the little knowledge I started with, I was able to apply and fill in the blanks along the way with these 3 tools Forgiveness, Love and Respect. My mother and I have had tremendous growth over the past 17 years, me learning to love and accept her for who she is and not for who I wanted her to be was a huge part of my healing. I now know my grandmother wanted me to be led by the example she was setting and not let my mother’s choices be an excuse to why I could not do better.

  I now am a mother to 3 intelligent, kind, loving children. I owe it to them and the universe to be the example, raise the best human beings I can. Shower all the love and positivity I have unto them, so they can navigate through their own Journey Successfully. Although I lost my grandmother in 2000 the selfish part of me wants her here to see how I have grown in the flesh, the spiritual part of me knows I can rest in grace and know that I’ve made her proud! I live my life under the mantra WWZD (what would Zadie Do) for that reason

I believe that true spirituality is “merely” an expression of profound wisdom in practice.

 With love and understanding,